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Author of the critically acclaimed book on women and relationship status, “Single That.” https://www.amazon.com/dp/1687069786

You’ve mastered loving yourself, now let’s build on that foundation.

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I remain one of the most aggressive beaters of the self-love drum. Self-love is the foundation for healthy relationships and any we try to build while it’s undeveloped will crumble. Self-love is the faucet from which all other love flows. I said that to say, sometimes we don’t let the other love flow. We establish the foundation but resist building on top of it.

We get stuck. We sit still instead of progressing forward. Instead of getting to the point where we love ourselves enough to let other people love us.

Sometimes it’s because we don’t want to give anyone…


What happens when you let it take the wheel.

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I’ve tried.

I’ve tried to tell myself I’m going to sit still in love or contentment and wait out an egregious circumstance deemed a “rough patch” as it kills me. As it betrays everything I believe in and stand for. And when I tell myself I’m going to try and sit tight or be OK with things that aren’t OK, something inside of me says, “Absolutely not!” It picks me up and pushes me forward.

Knowing I’ve had enough storms, it resolves to give me shelter.

I revere this part of me that wants and believes it deserves good things. That it warrants healthy relationships and consistent proper treatment. This part…


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The bacon curled with slight sizzles on top of the heating vent as my brother and I waited impatiently for it to turn a darker pink. Dark enough for us to think it was done enough for our consumption. After a few minutes, we peeled the greasy, chewy strips from the vent and stuffed them into our mouths.

The next step in our secret survival session was to tiptoe past our sleeping mother and into the bathroom. Sometimes she’d open her eyes, and it seemed like she was watching us. Like we’d been caught sneaking food and breaking all the…


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I decided that it didn’t matter what major I chose in college. It didn’t matter what I studied or that I obtained a degree at all, really. Because I was going to play professional basketball. That would be my career, traveling the world performing a sport I’d discovered I loved. All else was secondary and irrelevant.

So, I left my prestigious Chicago film school. Along with the hour-long train rides from my northwest Indiana home and the mile-long treks through rain, snow, and freezing temperatures necessary to get there. Instead, I enrolled at a local university. …


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In the valley of my emotional intelligence, I left unmanned the front desk my superiors instructed me to manage without so much as a note addressing my whereabouts. There was no time. After reading a text message, I sprang from my seat and power walked to the building’s single-stall restroom. I would have run had I not been looking to avoid someone daring to ask me what’s wrong and facing the impossible task of offering a response.

The entryway displaying a stick-figured woman wearing a dress appeared miles down the narrow hall. My feet felt heavier with each step. …


Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

I’m continually reminded that a time before mine wasn’t that long ago. The clock has ticked forward faster than the progress it might represent. This is what I thought about today when I thought about Matt.

I resist recounting these events because I hate playing into the social construct of race that was created to divide and categorize us based on something as inconsequential as skin tone. But the story is the story. And this one isn’t that one.

Thoughts of Matt send me on the same mental journey with every arousal.

Had the environment or interval of our improbable encounter been different, our lives might’ve followed. My eyes water with gratitude at…


How the entertainer exemplifies living outside the box.

Peter Kudlacz / Flickr

I believe we severely undervalue the societal importance of not just Jennifer Lopez, but celebrities in general. Many people have a difficult time viewing them outside their box of physical ability and creative genius. We tell athletes to “shut up and dribble” and entertainers to stick to entertaining. People say things like “twerking isn’t feminism” to reduce a generational talent such as Beyoncé to a body movement deemed unladylike. As though women can’t be both sexually expressive and empowering, or smart, or inspirational.

Such has been the case with JLo.

An outstanding gyrator in her own right. Even if you want to disqualify her from the women’s…


Why you should believe them when they say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

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When we love someone who doesn’t love us back, we tend to question, “why?” Whether we ask them or ourselves or the universe, our minds drift toward reconciling why the person we’ve given so much of ourselves to doesn’t share the sentiment. The problem is, when we do this, the responses almost always evoke feelings of unworthiness. We ponder what we may have done “wrong” and think things would’ve been different if we were more of this or less of that.

I’ve come to embrace the fact that I’m not for everybody. That’s Ok. It goes both ways. Everybody isn’t…


A shift in focus could increase your satisfaction with the results.

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Have you ever gotten exactly what you wanted, only to later discover that you don’t want it? Of course you have. I think most of us have experienced a reality that didn’t match our fantasies. Where having the thing wasn’t as satisfying as daydreaming about having the thing.

Sometimes it’s a romantic interest that you pursue and then realize they just don’t do it for you. Other times it’s a new job that quickly feels old, or something once viewed as an opportunity that becomes a burdensome obligation. You’re certain you want something or someone or to be somewhere. …


From someone who experienced it more times in one month than in years.

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I met a guy in person that I’d matched with on a dating app just a few days prior. We knew little about one another aside from the information displayed on our profiles, as he wasn’t adept at text message conversations. After only a few pleasantries, he said, “look, I’d really like to get to know you,” and asked if he could call me. The call led to us meeting at a nearby lounge.

There wasn’t anything modelesque about this guy’s appearance. He was wearing a beige sweater with jeans and a pair of black work boots. His hair was…

Acamea Deadwiler

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