Acamea Deadwiler

Oct 5, 2018

3 min read

Beware of the “Very Nice Guy”

He may come with his own unique set of red flags.

By Jamie Street on Unsplash

I always had an affinity for the regular guy, who’s respectful and polite to all but not overly so. Yet, he will unveil his super thoughtful, super sweet, softer side for you. I’m only now starting to realize why I’ve had this subconscious attraction. It just feels more real than the alternative.

Women often get a bad rep for overlooking someone considered to be a “very nice guy.” I get it. There are times when we may be led by emotion or drawn to the thrill and mystique of the so-called “bad boy.” We may go for the fun one who makes us laugh, despite his fatal flaws. But that very nice guy isn’t always all he’s cracked up to be either.

Very nice guys are nice to everyone. That’s not a bad thing at all, but it means that they’re just nice because it’s who they are. It has little to do with anyone else and is not necessarily a reflection of their feelings. We can mistake their above-and-beyond niceness to represent something deeper. Yet, the way that the very nice guy treats you is the same way he treats all of the women that he dates.

He sent you flowers for your birthday? That means he’s falling for you, right? Maybe. Or, maybe he sent the last woman flowers on her birthday, and the woman before that, and the one after you. Maybe that’s just what he does.

The very nice guy may faithfully wake up and text every woman that he dates to say “good morning,” and then “goodnight” before bed. He may always ask about the other’s day, touch base to let it be known where he’s going and what’s on his agenda. You may be only one of several women that have been on the receiving end of a butterfly inducing, “hey beautiful.”

Wining and dining is the very nice guy’s M.O. He’s quite literally a perfect gentleman, opening doors, pulling out chairs, and walking you to the porch at night without trying to come inside. He’s patient, and a pleaser.

His behavior isn’t fake, it’s just common. Eventually, once he’s won you over with his utter amazingness, he’s looking for someone new to wow the pants off of with his too-good-to-be-true niceness. Only after he’s done with you though. After all, he’s not a dog or a Casanova. He’s a nice, respectable guy.

You may be thinking that doesn’t sound like an authentic really nice guy. Oh, but it is. And that’s ALL he is. We just take him to be something more. Just as important as backing up words with action, is supporting action with words. Don’t assume his behavior means something that he’s never said.

Should you choose the very nice guy over the certified player? Probably. It just may not be a good idea to allow his supreme niceness to make you think you’re special. At least not right away. The passage of time reveals all. Eventually, you will see if he can sustain the effort once there’s nothing left to gain and the thrill of the chase has dissipated because, well, you’ve been caught.

In the end, just try to pick the “really upfront guy.” Because what’s most important is that there’s no confusion about what you’re getting.

Author of the critically acclaimed book on women and relationship status, “Single That.”

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.