Not in life, and especially not in love.

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

I’ve never been very good at the “dating game” because I refuse to play. Sure, many aspects of dating are fun — such as getting to know interesting people, collecting new experiences, hanging out and taking adventures together. But, I have a line. I don’t treat lives and feelings like chessboards or people like pawns. This is why to me, the game played by many is pointless, exhausting and annoying.

I take life-altering decisions seriously and avoid running through them like a grocery list.

Hmmm. Today I’ll pick up milk, eggs and then move in with this random cute guy I have a good time with.

No.

I consider discipline to be a strength of mine. It affords me solid impulse control. I enjoy spontaneity but am not reckless with matters of the heart. If I express feelings of a connection or wanting to take a relationship to the next level, I mean it. Believe it was well thought out and not rooted in fleeting emotion. For this reason, I’ve learned I am often regarded as a challenge by the opposite sex. I suppose that’s more desirable then being considered easy, but it has its own drawbacks.

You can start to be viewed as an object to acquire or person to simply win over. To be considered a prize from a place of genuine reverence is one thing, and quite flattering, but for the process to be treated as an ego stroke and you as some kind of trophy earned as the end-result is something else. Rarely is it authentic because the motive is self-serving. It’s ‘how can I make her like or love me?’

Guys like this want the girl to fall for them because it makes them feel good about themselves. Makes them feel like a winner. So, they’ll do whatever is necessary to make that happen. They’ll fake interest in her interests. They’ll learn about her, not because they actually care much about knowing her deeply, but as a method of research. They’re studying a subject. They need to know what makes you tick and who you are, so they know who they need to be in order to achieve their goal. And once they have — well I’m sure you know what comes next.

I can usually recognize ill-intentions. Not always though. When someone is trying so hard to be EXACTLY what you want, you will get sucked in on occasion. You’ll drink the Kool-Aid. Nonetheless, I find the perception and approach rather offensive. When asked, why? I respond (far less eloquently) that:

I am not a toy to be possessed and discarded for one that is new. Nor am I a touchdown to be scored, an experiment, a match point, a name on a wall, a jewel in a crown or a notch in a belt.

I am not your vanity reward, your thing to obtain or your finish line to cross.

I am not your conquest.

You will not reduce me from a woman of substance to…… this.

Author of a critically-acclaimed book on women and dating. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1687069786

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